This Is Your President’s Brain On Drugs

This Is Your President's brain on Drugs

Brings a whole new meaning to “Skillethead”: Ad copy for Bush’s new drug abuse prevention campaign (this one might actually work – talk about scared straight!): “Hey, Kids! Drugs are bad. If you do drugs, you could end up like the President of the United States. Wait…what the hell did I just say?”

THIS IS YOUR PRESIDENT’S BRAIN ON DRUGS

(HUH? WHAT BRAIN?)

BUSH STILL SNORTING COKE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, NEW BOOK SAYS

In his controversial new book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan reveals his strong suspicions that President Bush’s old coke habit isn’t just past tense.

McClellan believes that Bush has used cocaine during his term as President.

Bush’s onetime spokesman/paid liar McClellan, the man who used to keep the President’s secrets, is spilling them all now in his explosive new White House memoir. Why he’s doing it is anybody’s guess.

Maybe McClellan is driven by some noble sense of duty to let the truth be known. Perhaps he’s pissed at his old boss and is using the book as a means of giving Bush his comeuppance. Or hell – maybe he just needed to make a few bucks.

Then again, blabbermouthing seems to run in the McClellan family, much as a penchant for drugs and war profiteering runs in the Bushes blue blood. They’ve certainly got their family traditions — and so it seems Father’s Day would be a perfect time to get into this bizarre generational tale of Bush, Barr, Baines, and the unfortunate Kennedys who always wound up on the receiving end of whatever bloody messes these men made.

FATHERS AND SONS

Let’s start with the McClellans, who seem to have a fascinating familial habit of writing shocking tell-all books about their former White House bosses.

Scott McClellan’s father, Barr McClellan, penned a scathing (if rather dubious) indictment of the President he once served some 40-odd years ago, Lyndon Baines Johnson — in which he accuses LBJ of participating in the conspiracy to murder President John F. Kennedy.

Barr McClellan was a fellow Austinite and close friend to LBJ, one of his top personal lawyers who reportedly knew where all the bones were buried. For some reason, he chose to reveal much of what he knew (or thought he knew) about Johnson’s alleged involvement in his 2003 bestseller, Blood, Money and Power: How LBJ Killed JFK.

Then you’ve got the Bushes. Suspicions and conspiracy theories abound that the president’s father, former President George Herbert Walker Bush (known to his friends by the curious nickname “Poppy”) not only profited personally from CIA drug running operations — just as his father had done quite well for himself making deals with the Nazis during WWII — but that he too was a key conspirator in the plot to assassinate President Kennedy.

The killing doesn’t stop there. Nope, some people believe that Lil’ Bush had something to do with the death by plane crash of the president’s late son, John F. Kennedy, Jr. in 1999. I’m not even gonna go down that rabbit hole because I don’t particularly feel like getting shot today, but I’ll just point out that this is what other people have said. Make of the information what you will.

Now, let’s get back to the McClellans and their Big Mouths, shall we?

Just as they used to call LBJ poking his finger into your chest “the Johnson treatment,” nowadays, when a former president’s trusted aide plunges his penknife in your back, it’s called “the McClellan treatment.”

Of course, Barr McClellan’s allegations about Lyndon Johnson are far more serious and damaging to the former President’s legacy than anything his son is saying about George W. Bush in his new memoir. After all, cold-blooded murder is a much higher crime than a bloody nose caused by overindulgence in cocaine. But if Scott McClellan’s allegations about Bush’s drug abuse are proven true, this would nonetheless prove beyond any doubt that our President is mentally and physically unfit to serve, his judgement seriously affected by cocaine use.

And to think that for all these years, we’ve been spending so much time and effort trying to figure out why President Kennedy’s brain is missing from the National Archives. Turns out our current president’s brain is missing, too.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your president’s brain on drugs.

Got Coke?

BUSH IS COKED UP?

OH! WELL, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

If it turns out to be true that indeed, Bush has been putting rock-size chunks of the federal budget up his nose, would you really be surprised? Actually, when you think about it, the scenario makes perfect sense. Bush being a cokehead would easily explain every decision and baffling public statement the President has made over the past eight years.

Missing those warnings before 9/11. Using the tragedy to launch a “War on Terror” which has resulted in the loss of our civil liberties; military invasions of other nations causing tremendous destruction and loss of life . A belligerent, insane foreign policy. Out of control deficit spending. A plunging economy. An incompetent (more likely corrupt) government. An over-inflated sense of self-importance and arrogance. And a total inability to speak complete, rational sentences.

That’s just the short list, of course – but you get my drift.

If you’ve ever known (or perhaps been) a coke addict, you know these classic behavior patterns intimately. Cokeheads are selfish bastards who don’t care who they hurt. They’ll lie repeatedly when confronted about any wrongdoing, and they’ll never admit to screwing up. They’ll spend money (preferably someone else’s) like there’s no tomorrow. They’ll rob you blind, and wouldn’t think twice about mugging their own mother to buy another hit.

They suffer wild mood swings and violent rages. They live in the constant delusion that the entire world revolves around them – and only them – and if you don’t like it, they’ll throw you under the bus, back up and roll over your ass just for a laugh. The sound of bones cracking under their wheels gives them a perverse kind of thrill; they totally get off on this sort of thing.

Y’know, come to think of it, this is all starting to sound familiar. Don’t you think the President has been looking more than a bit tense lately? (And all this time you thought he just had the perpetual sweats because he was a little nervous about being impeached!)

Bush on Coke

DARN TOOTIN’

Many lightyears ago (the `90s), in a galaxy far, far away (Austin, Texas), Scott McClellan was Bush’s press secretary when he became Texas governor. He claims in his new book that during Dubya’s term as governor, he once heard Bush privately confronted by a supporter about whether he used cocaine.

He says Bush offhandedly replied that he couldn’t remember “whether I tried it or not. We had some pretty wild parties back in the day, and I just don’t remember.”

McClellan writes, “I remember thinking to myself, `How can that be? How can someone simply not remember whether or not they used an illegal substance like cocaine? It didn’t make a lot of sense.”

Other alarming rumors of drug use have dogged Dubyathroughout his political career. In her book The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty, author Kitty Kelley quoted Bush’s former sister-in-law Sharon Bush as saying that he “did coke at Camp David when his father was president – and not just once, either.”

Sharon later denied telling the story to Kelley, but another person present at the interview supported the writer’s version of events.

In 2000, when Bush was running for president, Adam J. Smith, then-associate director of the Drug Reform Coordination Network wrote: “it is becoming increasingly clear that George Junior most likely did toot a line or two back in his halcyon days.”

But what about now, the world wants to know?

As recently as 2005, the controversial investigative journalist Tom Flocco reported that concerned Secret Service staffers had “written national security field reports” which “all but confirm that President Bush has been using drugs which could be affecting his performance as the nation’s wartime commander-in-chief.”

The report also alleges that Bush used Prozac and alcohol (not a friendly combination when mixed, by the way) in addition to cocaine while president.

“Federal agents have at different times witnessed President Bush doing cocaine in the early morning hours at the White House and drinking straight shots of whiskey in the evening hours on other occasions.”

(What, you mean to say he only drinks in the evening? Those who have witnessed the president’s clearly crocked, slurred-speech stupor at 9 a.m. press conferences might beg to differ.)

BUT HAS HE STOPPED BEATING HIS WIFE?

Not only is Bush reportedly hitting the sauce again, he’s been having some nasty blowups with wife Laura as well, who herself is no stranger to the bottle.

According to several sources, the two have bitterly argued over his boozing before. One argument two years ago turned so vicious, Laura stormed out of the White House and checked into a Washington, D.C. hotel for the night. Another fight got physical, leaving the president with two unsightly gashes on his cheek where a furious Laura reportedly had raked his face with her nails.

Beverly Hills psychologist Lillian Glass (who has seen more than her share of cocaine addicts) says that Bush’s coke abuse would explain his mood swings, paranoid rages, and the violent bustups with his wife.

Glass believes it would also explain Bush’s aggressive behavior and stubbornness. “We’ve seen an aggressive stance which lead to the invasion of Iraq. That could be an attitude that stems from cocaine abuse,” Glass said.

“If he’s been abusing cocaine,” she asserts, “Bush would be in a weaker position. He doesn’t have all of his faculties, and he may be more vulnerable to being led astray.”

“Given all these things,” she concludes, “you have to wonder if George Bush has been using cocaine during his presidency. His behavior certainly makes you wonder!”

Recent editorial in the European press

Apparently the European press is starting to wonder, too: a recent foreign editorial calls Bush’s general sanity into question.

PARTY ON, W

So the president’s a miserable drunk and a cokehead. Wow, like that’s the news of the century. Anybody here at all shocked?

I mean, we always knew the man was a loser who dozed in school, played hooky from the Air Force, partied like Keith Richards and drove like a bat out of hell. The son of the CIA President born with “a silver foot in his mouth” (thank you, Ann Richards), whose Daddy bought him the Texas governorship and later, the White House. Who would be so astounded now to find that leopards don’t change their spots?

And apparently, McClellans never do, either. I’m not sure if we owe Scott and his dad a heap of thanks for the books they’ve written, or if we should tell them to sit down, shut the hell up and just be loyal to your Prez, already.

I’m not sure if we should spend a whole lot of time pondering their motivations in penning these controversial tell-alls. Who knows why they blabbed, and who really cares? The McClellan’s revelations only serve to confirm what many people were already were inclined to believe: that there’s something rotten in Denmark (or Austin, as the case may be) – and it’s been stinking up the joint for nearly 45 years.

Somebody needs to call up Waste Removal and tell them to take out the trash that has befouled Austin’s backyard for way too long. The citizenry down here have grown weary of the stench. Maybe it’s time to get to the bottom of these rumors of murder, mayhem and debauchery once and for all. Then we can forever solve the mystery and clean up this crap pile.

DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS

But at the moment, Austinites have a bigger whodunnit to unravel — who burned down the Governor’s mansion the other night? Apparently, some terrorist – or perhaps just a drunken idiot – torched the historic 1856 home by throwing an Unidentified Flaming Object onto the porch at 2 a.m. last Sunday morning, somehow miraculously breaching the high security walls and avoiding detection by the DPS guards on night watch.

Governor Rick Perry (who formerly served as Bush’s Lt. Governor and resident Butt-Boy) was not home at the time of the fire, which completely totaled the mansion. The first couple have been living elsewhere for the past year while the Governor’s mansion was in the throes of an extensive remodeling job. And get this: the remodel was to include the installation of a fire sprinkler system. Guess they won’t need it now that the place is little more than a pile of smouldering 152 year-old lumber.

I must confess my first thought upon hearing the news was: oh shit – was the president in town?

Persistent visions haunted my thoughts of Bush going out on a Prozac and alcohol-fueled Saturday night spree, filling the presidential limo with several hot young strippers and offering the girls an after-hours private tour of the Governor’s mansion in a vain effort to impress them. (“Hey, check it out, ladies — I used to live here back when ya’ll were just a twinkle in your Daddies eyes. Heh, heh, heh…”) The strippers exchange nervous glances amongst themselves, wondering how to politely escape this creepy braggart, even if he is the President of the United States.

Upon arrival at the Governor’s mansion, Bush discovers to his dismay that the house is locked up tight at 2 a.m. (much like certain parts of the strippers’ anatomies will be presently), even to the President. Feeling somewhat rejected, he sits down on the porch, fumbles around for a lighter in his pocket and offers his victims ladyfriends a hit from the crack pipe. But just as he’s leaning over to pass it over to a very attractive blonde, his squinty eyes become transfixed on her ample busom, thus causing him to lose his already precarious balance on the porch stoop. All of a sudden the burning bong slips from his hands and…Uh-Oh!

Relax. Just kidding about all that. We all know that the president would never accidentally-on-purpose send important national landmarks (oh, like say, for example, the World Trade Center or the Pentagon) up in spectacular balls of fire. I mean, sheesh — there might be people in there who could get hurt or killed, y’know? Nah…that’s just too crazy, even for our George, right?

Anyway, the whole town is in a tizzy over this tragedy, and a massive manhunt is underway for the arsonist. Heaven help the fool who did this dastardly deed, I say – the eyes of Texas are upon them, and the wrath of Texans can indeed be an ugly thing.

Don’t Mess With Texas. And if you torch our historic Governor’s mansion, we’re going to find you and make you regret the very day you were born. We’re going to kick your ass six ways from Sunday and then hang you from the highest tree while we enjoy an afternoon picnic in Wooldridge Park. We’ll spit in your eye and pee on your grave. And we ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.

You’ll please excuse us if we don’t have time right now to bother with investigating the murder of a past president or the drug abuse of a current one. Hell, we’ve got ourselves a firebug to catch, boys!so let’s round up the posse and string `em up!

(Anybody got any string?)

“Lynch `em!”

(Anybody got any lynch?) 

“IMPEACH `EM!”

(Anybody got any `em peaches?)

 

 

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15 Comments

Filed under austin, election 2008, impeach Bush, JFK, JFK Jr., John F. Kennedy, john f. kennedy jr., lady bird johnson, LBJ, lyndon b. johnson, media, politics, president kennedy, RFK, RFK Jr., robert f. kennedy, robert kennedy jr., texas, the kennedys, Uncategorized

15 responses to “This Is Your President’s Brain On Drugs

  1. Pingback: Holistic Healer

  2. Jack Mosel

    WOW…

    You ‘found your voice’ (For real)…

    Great backround and huge insight! Thank You New Frontier!

    We don’t have to worry about impeaching the bafoon, just bloodtest him or better, hairtest him!

    Let’s see just how long our coward Congress and Senate will put up with not impeaching Cheney as the new #1 after dubya is booted for being a Coke head and a drunk! Let’s see about the two border patrol agents who rot in jail for doing their job react to the commander in thief being the client of the dealer they busted and are now in jail for doing their duty!!!

    We need this info. to be top shelf priority to the mainstream media.

    We need the media now to be more like real investigative journalists and not propoganda NAZI smear rag salesmen!

    We need to subpeona the agents who made these reports and we need to bring this shit front and center… We already know we’ve been had by these BAFOON CHUMPS… They lied and abused their offices, our trust and they trucked with our CONSTITUTION dammit!

    Liberal my ass!!! Hey Right wingers, your as asleep at the wheel as it gets!! Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich and others are right on! Scott MCclellan is just the first (recently) to begin what should be an avalanche of tell alls about the criminality and the un-American activities these bastards pulled off for the last 7 years! It ain’t a joke anymore, it ain’t cute dubya and Cheney, you are caught and you’re goin’ to pay sooner or later… The one’s that aided you are gonna pay too. The rape and aggrevated murder of our Constitution and our good name has gone on too long.

    YOUR 40 YEAR REIGN IS OVER…

    I get sick seeing ROVE on FAUX News spouting his nazi shit and Bill O and Seannity and Anne Culture (Like in a petri dish) is gonna fall hard too in history as TRAITORS…

    We’ll Need to hold a special commitee responsible for erasing everything these BAFOONS did to our country over the past 7 years.

    We’ll never get the American dead back that they killed though…

    YOU GO GIRL!!!

  3. Jack — thank you. I enjoyed writing this one immensely.

    As a *real* Texan, that one’s been brewing for years. Felt good to get it off my chest. Aaaah! That’s better!:)

    So – all that being said, if anyone who has White House access happens to read this article, PLEASE grab a few strands of the president’s hair from his comb and send them to the lab for testing right away!

    There’s more than one way to skin a cat, more than one way to get rid of a president. If Congress can’t seem to buy, borrow or steal a pair to impeach him for *real* high crimes, a drug abuse charge gets the job done just as well.

    Congress, I don’t care how you do it, just DO IT! Get it?

  4. Jack Mosel

    Incredible… Undeniable… and even the Moral Minority can’t fluff this one away… No middle of the fence Rovian crap or Orwellian rhetoric can side step these accusations.

    Drugs are definately on the table (Nancy), no matter what the accord or no matter what the present war time status nor the time left in office as being any justifiable reasoning to look the other way for real investigation anynore.

    Our “decider”, the one person whom in this monumental and only time in our countries’ history, who wields unilateral and dictoral powers (greater than the U.S. Constitution?!) has accusers from within our highest security branches of federal office, whom are on the record in stating that there are situations which they are duly sworn to report on the mental capacity for which our nations’ highest office is upheld. These officials are our last safeguard to the office of our President being upheld by a sound, mentally sharp capacity.

    Cocaine use is cocaine abuse period. The office of the President of The United States of America has ZERO TOLERANCE for this accusation end of story.

    We need to excersize immediate emergency action to determine if these reports are accurate. Not only are we responsible for making sure that this gets investigated for the reckless activity directly attributed to actions which may have been carried out under this drug induced administration for the past 7 years, but for halting immediately any more havoc in waging another drug induced war which we are close to carrying out at present.

    No Patriot or real American can deny this heightened (real security) threat. None.

    No closed door secret testimonies any more, no deposition without witnesses or any recording devices anymore, no non-oath romper room charades any more!!!

    It is astounding in immediate retrospect to seeing the outpouring of real emotion and cameraderie for the media personalities mourning the tragic loss of Tim Russert over the past weekend. The rallying point for collectively re-establishing the credo and unity of real factual reporting in the U.S. Media has undeniably been discounted and reduced to Glam-propaganda (with the exception of some) for the past (ironically) 7 years…

    This story is a lobbed pitch straight across home plate for the media to whack over the wall!!! If we are blogging about it here and there are factual witnesses to attest to the viablility of this story, in light of real investigative and factual reporting excellence and if anything, in the memory of Tim Russert alone…, somebody please pick this story up and make it the news that needs to be broadcasted!

    Appearantly, the Congress and Senate only respond to issues which are screaming in the public, like steroid use in Major League baseball players and politicians peeing on shoes of others in public bathrooms…

    This one should be whacked right out of the park and land in the seat of any real American leader’s that are not bought and paid for by Haliburton or other Bush/Cheney affiliates (if there are any left).

    I told you so, will not be acceptable, after we find ourselves in Iran on a third war’s front.

    BTW… WHERE’S OSAMA?!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!

    Let’s Roll!

  5. Yeah Buddy

    OMG, that story was a SCREAM!

    I’m just not sure if I’m screaming with laughter or screaming in sheer terror of the maniac who is running this country.

  6. Steve Burton

    Loved the bit about Bush accidentally (?) torching the governor’s mansion with his crack pipe. Gonzo!

    Funny, funny shit.

    thanks for a great read.

  7. Jack, the story is spreading pretty well across the blogosphere today — DU and Buzzflash picked it up and it is catching like a fire at the Governor’s house, but I’d sure like to see more reporters and bloggers raising questions about this.

    Actually, I’d like to see *Congress* raise HELL about this!

    Nancy knows drugs are “on the table” – only problem is, she’s probably snortin’ big lines, too.

    No wonder Congress gives him anything he wants. FREE DRUGS FOR EVERYONE!!!!

    (but as for the rest of `ya – drugs are bad – if YOU get caught doing drugs on the job, your ass is going to jail.)

    PARTY ON, W!

  8. Jack Mosel

    Oh yeah… It’s in DU with great placement too… !
    Thanks DU!

    Rolling for real!!!

    Let me know if you see Osama next, there will definately be another “Scary Message” from him if this one gets out!!!

    Not Terrorists… ERRORISTS!!!

    WELCOME TO OUR REIGN OF ERROR!

  9. Jim

    Mr. President, have you stopped beating your wife?

    Frickin’ hilarious!:)

  10. Jack Mosel

    BUSH PARDONS HIMSELF FOR WARCRIMES?!!!

    http://belowgroundsurface.org/belowgroundsurface/Comments.aspx?StoryURL=803

    GOT OUTRAGE??? EAT A NEO-CON

  11. Bill C.

    Great story. Loved it.

    Somebody above mentioned the reporting honors the memory of the late tim russert. I was thinking more Hunter S. Thompson…

    anyway it was great. keep the faith, brothas and sistas!

  12. Haha BUSH @ COKE, he got the nose for it!

  13. Nation of Morons

    Apparently Oliver Stone is on drugs, too.

    I just saw W, the new Oliver Stone film, and was SHOCKED to find it a SYMPATHETIC portrayal of this evil lunatic. WTF???

    Stone basically made Bush out to be an idiot savant who is to be merely pitied, not IMPEACHED, or my goodness, ARRESTED!

    How could the man who made the wonderful film JFK turn around and give us this piece of crap?

    Shame on you, Oliver Stone. You’ve destroyed yourself, and like Woodrow Wilson, have unwittingly helped to destroy your country.

  14. Shrub

    Dear GOP Candidates for Congress,

    A big “Howdy Do!” from the great Republic of Texas. Laura and I are doing fine, beatin’ the heat with lots of the air conditionizer and gettin’ ready to roll out the book that bechronicles my greatest decisions as Chief of the Commanders.

    But other than that and cleanin’ up Barney’s poop, it’s really quiet here in Preston Hollow. Too quiet. Really, really quiet. It’s a little surprising considering I left several answerable-machine messages with each one of you and no one’s called me back. I even had my phone checked by the phone service guy because it hadn’t rung in months. (I gave him one of my special nicknames: he’s an older guy so I call him “Papa Phoner.”)

    So that’s why I’m writing you now. Since you’re running on my record in the midterms, I want you to know that I’m available to go out for you and do some good old-fashioned stumpifying on your behalf. I may be a little older and greyer, but I can still give a rootin’ tootin’ barnburner. I’ll scare ‘em up real good, I promise. Oceans don’t protect us; You’re either with us or against us; Bring it on; Significant quantities of uranium from Africa; I’ll play all my greatest foreign-policy hits and then I’ll bedazzle ‘em with the awesome things I did for the economy. By the time I say God Bless America they’ll be droolin’ like Pablum’s doggie.

    The only thing I ask is that, as usual, you screen out anyone who disagrees with me, and send ‘em to the Free Speech Zone in the next county. Also I’d like a little bowl of pork rinds and a bottled water in my greening room.

    Just let me know when you’d like me to come out and do some electionizing for ya. My calendar is completely clear. I just need an hour or two of noticization so I can shower and shave and hike up my sh!tkickers.

    Really. Anytime. Just call me. Or use the email. Or the Facebooks. I’ve already got an overnight bag packed and waitin’ by the door. If I don’t hear from ya I’ll just pick some lucky candidate names out of my Stetson and show up spontanisciously. I can’t wait to see the look on your face!

    Sincerely,

    George W. Bush
    43rd President
    Also an Awesome and Available Speaker

  15. Interesting site. I enjoyed the humorous posters.

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