(Cartoon: Mike Adams, Dan Berger. Courtesy NewsTarget.com)
CAN’T GET IT UP WITH A CRANE
Asked what they thought of the candidates “performance” in the CNN/Congressional Black Caucus Democratic debate last night, the verdict of many liberal and progressive Dems was brutal. (“God help the Democratic party if we hand her the nomination!” shrieked one of the CNN Political ticker regulars.) John Edwards, most agree, won the debate not by talking but by wisely keeping his mouth shut, letting Clinton and Obama go at it ad infinitum.
Meanwhile, those heavily-courted independent voters (whose favor the presidential hopefuls’ boastful antics were apparently designed to woo) have today added a new phrase to the political dick-tionary:
Electile Dysfunction ( el-ek-tile dys-funk-shun): (noun) the inability to become aroused by any of the candidates in the 2008 presidential race.
Unlike the more commonly known form of ED, which is specific only to males of the species, this new discovery points to a condition that affects Americans of all genders, races and political parties. (Although preliminary studies indicate that Independents seem to be the most afflicted.)
Perhaps even more troubling to medical researchers is that while typical cases of ED are successfully treated with medication and normal function can be restored (or at the very least, simulated), there currently is no known cure for Electile Dysfunction.
Which must surely come as distressing news for those of us facing 10 more months of this preening and play-fighting amongst the candidates vying for our political hand in marriage. And most of them haven’t even made us an honorable proposal yet!
Is there a pill for this? The condition seems to be chronic and getting worse by the day.
THE LITTLE BITTER PILL
At least guys who suffer that other form of ED can take a pill to make things normal again. Sure, the pills have risky side effects and come with scary warnings about how you should rush to the hospital if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours. (Like some folks actually have to be told that??) But there doesn’t seem to be any pharmaceutical help for the rest of us. We suffer in silence.
It’s one thing to have to hold your horses for four hours, but 10 months is quite another. How many independent voters are going to wind up in emergency rooms before this race is run? What can be done to relieve, if not completely alleviate, our pain? (I know Bill Clinton says he feels it, but can he do to help us? Besides, hasn’t he already got the World’s Largest Stockpile of Viagra on hand? And does he actually get excited anymore listening to his wife after all these years?)
It seems this could easily turn into a medical and mental health crisis if left untreated. Imagine the millions of American voters rendered impotent for lack of a candidate — and the painful, unending torment of having to watch debate after debate, attack ad after attack ad — and not even getting the satisfaction of releasing our tensions in the privacy of the voting booth when we yank the proverbial handle this November. Oh, the agony!
CLINTON AND OBAMA: MAYBE THEY SHOULD GET A ROOM
But seriously…about the debate last night in South Carolina (oh yeah, that’s what the article was supposed to be about!). All this literary foreplay and teasing has really just been a leadup to the real story, which we shall bring you from CNN, host of the debate.
Actually, it was the headline and photo from CNN’s own coverage that sent me down this rutted road to Freudland in the first place. The media painting the dustup between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama as more of a lovers’ spat than the down-in-the-alley political brawl it was struck me as not just absurd, but side-splittingly funny.
Maybe those two should get a room and work out their differences privately. At least that way, we don’t have to watch.
HILLARY CLINTON: OBAMA IS `FRUSTRATED’
WASHINGTON (CNN) – Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that Barack Obama came to Monday night’s CNN debate looking to spark a brawl.
“He telegraphed it, he talked about it – he clearly came last night looking for a fight, and was determined and launched right in,” she said at a Washington press conference on economic issues.
“I think what we saw last night was that he’s very frustrated – Sen. Obama is very frustrated. The events of the last 10 or so days, particularly the outcomes in New Hampshire and Nevada, have apparently convinced him to adopt a different strategy,” said the New York senator.
Obama’s comments last night, she said, “were so rehearsed that he kept on insisting that I had mentioned President Reagan in what I had said, when I didn’t mention President Reagan.”
She also repeated allegations that Obama had said in 2004 he agreed with George Bush on the way the president was waging war. Obama disputes the claim, saying that the Clinton campaign is deliberately distorting his comments from that period.
Shortly after Clinton spoke, her campaign sent reporters a memo containing half a dozen unrelated charges against Obama, including the charge, based on a recent news report, that he “represented now-indicted influence peddler Tony Rezko in his efforts to develop government-subsidized slum housing.”
The Obama campaign has denied links to any illegal activities on the part of the Chicago businessman, and has said it would reject all contributions linked to him.
I USED TO BE DISGUSTED, NOW I JUST LAY THERE AND MOAN A LOT
So…have we had enough gender and race-baiting in this campaign so far? (Couldn’t the candidates even give it a rest on Martin Luther King day? Shameless!) Any chance we might be getting back to the real issues anytime soon? Anybody want to talk about this recession? Global markets plunging? The free fall of the dollar? The high cost of living? Maybe we could talk about a plan to kick our foreign oil habit and combat climate change? How about immigration? Oh, and there’s a war on, too — haven’t they heard?
There may eventually be some help for Electile Dysfunction; if not an experimental treatment in the coming year, then perhaps we might have a cure by 2012. Please lend us your “frustrated” hands and SIGN THE PETITION to draft Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as a candidate for President!
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